Thailand Travel on ReviewTrip.com

It’s 2:30pm on a perfect Phuket Sunday. The sun is shining and the sky is its usual three dimensional blue.

I should be on the beach writing from my laptop like I normally do – sprawled out on my towel in the shade of the palm trees, BUT – thanks to this weekends debauchery – I’m still horizontal in bed. If it weren’t for me writing this blog – the day would have been a complete write off.

I’ve been really good about my nocturnal habits since I’ve been here (which is now a month) as I’ve had other, non-vacation like priorities. So I haven’t been able to fully enjoy the free for all that is Phuket for most foreigners on the island. I started my English teaching course four days after I got here and have made sure my mind is well rested and fresh for school every morning.

WHAT A NERD!

Weekends, however, are a completely different story. I make up for some very lost time.

If i can – I make my way through to the Sunshine Bar in Rawai on Friday nights and proceed to enjoy the zestful performances and charm of the bar girls and ladyboys.

It is here – at this small little bar that overlooks the turquoise flat waters of Rawai that I find my true definition of the word hedonism. From the moment I get there, I enter a feverish frenzy of endless pleasure.

Where my heart could not have more fun if it tried. My soul could not laugh more if it tried – and my body couldn’t dance more if it tried.

My motive for making friday nights sunshine nights is for pure and unbridled fun.

To go and to laugh and to enjoy the island vibe with some good company and good music.

Patong on the other hand – is Saturday night’s stomping ground – and motives for heading there are less pure yet still unbridled.

Especially when there are 6000 US Navy Seals docked in Phuket for the week.

Think BUSES and BUSES of Thai prostitutes — literally.

And hard bodied blokes.

Thousands of them.

In uniforms.

Needless to say all of whom have spent God knows how long out at sea  with only a stack of girly mags (or the internet’s infinite supply of arousing assistance) to keep them company.

Poor fellas.

The thing about Phuket – from a single girl who is staying here indefinitely’s point of view, is that most of the guys here are on holiday and are here for a good time – not a long time, so a relationship is not a very practical ambition here on hedonism island.

Many of those holiday makers – and even the foreign men residing in Phuket, take the opportunity to fulfill the fantasy of satisfying their carnal urges with beautiful petite Thai girls.

A handleful of ladyboys you'll find in and around Patong.

Us western girls don’t stand a chance!

Not even with our big breasts, wide array of hair and eye colours and statuesque (in comparison) physiques.

So come Saturday night – Bangla Road is a meat market!

And it’s a full house: male; female; shemale; gay; lesbian; bi; eastern; western; northern; southern; the peasants; the prosperous; ping pong and prostitutes.

All of whom have a very generous variety of backdrops to form their holiday memories from.

There are rock bars, trance bars, house bars, auzzie bars, nightclubs, stripclubs and caberet shows just to name a few. It’s an endless carousel of crazy carnival like characters with their paraphernalia and animal sidekicks.

You can expect to see anything from iguana’s, monkeys and elephants sealing deals for shameless street peddlers.

The only missing ingredient of the status quo in the Bangla Road circus is a clown on stilts juggling a dozen apples and oranges.

But he could have come down the road while I was busy gagging as I tried to get my 7th shot of tequila down without throwing up.

Bangla Road and it's surrounding area is a labyrinth of bars and drinking spots.

The countdown has begun and pressure is starting to mount.

In about a month – the already busy island of Phuket’s population will jump from 400 000 to a whopping 2 million! And it will stay that way until about February.

With the mass migration, comes mass price hikes.

What would cost you 800BAHT a night in low season – as far as accommodation goes, will soar to 1600BAHT overnight!

So it leaves me – who has just decided to make Phuket her home base for the time being, under a lot of pressure (from myself) to find myself decent accommodation and transport to see me through until the madness has passed – to ensure my economic sanity and survival.

As is, the fact that I’m a pale face does not count in my favour. The minute renters or real estate agents see me coming – they slap at least another 5000BAHT to the price.

For a Thai local, a 2 bedroom house in Chalong will cost roughly 5000BAHT a month – I’ve even heard of some places going for 3000BAHT a month. That same house in Chalong doubles for a farang. And it’s the same for food at the markets, transportation via taxi/tuk tuk/rental and for general admissions and activities.

Because they think we’re ALL rich tourists.

A farang by the way is what the Thai people call whites. A farang is a guava with white flesh on the inside instead of pink. You may often hear about Thai jokes involving farangs eating farangs… same, same?

I doubt it little guy!

And don’t think you’re getting away with it either if you’re from african decent – you’re known as a farang dam – a black farang. If you’re planning on coming to Phuket and causing mischief and mayhem over the silly season – you might be referred to as a Farang Kee Nok, which losely translates to ‘bird shit farang’.

In the end – I’ve come to the conclusion that if you are not Thai by natural selection – you are farang.

A word, which may have originated from the Persian word for foreigner: Ferangi.

Nevertheless… all I want, is to rent a nice little house/apartment/studio for the next 6 months or so, and hide while 0.04% of the entire planets population pour in and unsettle an otherwise well structured – yet still frantic, Phuket.

Another thing I can’t get out of my mind is how quickly space is going to be sucked up. The mere thought unhinges my brain and I’ve actually been contemplating catching a longtail over to one of the quieter islands until the lunacy subsides. I’m not one for crowds – or standing in lines, or sitting in traffic.

I imagine it’s going to get SO jam-packed that it will take us an hour to travel the regular 15 minute drive to school because of conjestion. The roads are already something to approach with caution (today I learnt that the only law on the road that there is over here – is that you can do anything – as long as it’s safe!) so I don’t even want to think about ANOTHER 1.5 million scooters added to the equation.

Most of which will have come to Phuket to overindulge in life’s pleasures, meaning there will probably be countless accidents involving drunk holiday makers.

It’s no surprise really that they do hike the prices either. If someone came into your house and trashed it without a second thought and left you with the mess to clean up after they’d had their fun and left – you’d probably do a lot worse than overcharge them. But – fair enough – if people are going to act like idiots – then the locals deserve to get their own back.

But what about me? And the others like me? The ones who want to make an honest living and are budgeting to make ends meet at the end of every month? We’ve come here to contribute to society and teach the youth. Are we to double our tutoring fees? I can’t see us getting away with that. We have no option but to work our lives and plans around the ‘way’ of the island. And as mentioned before – time’s a ticking…

Driving in and around Phuket is not something to be taken lightly. Firstly – Thai people would take a sofa, put a motor and wheels on it and drive that if they felt it would do the job. My jaw dropped when I was taken from the airport to my accommodation. a) EVERYONE rides scooters. And b) they all ride scooters with EVERYONE on them. I have seen an entire family of FIVE on one scooter.

Another fine, yet not uncommon example of the Thai version of a family car, was a man on his scooter with his child behind him. His wife sat behind the child with a baby sitting on either side of her on her hips.

What happened to car seats? And seatbelts? And HELMETS for these kids? Heaven help us should Britney Spears try and pull that little stunt with her kids!

Another thing about Thai drivers is that they don’t adhere to rules of the road. According to them – there are no rules. So you NEED to pay attention and keep your eyes on the road.

But every now and then, one can’t help but look up. And depending on which direction you’re looking from, you’ll notice a giant marble man sitting cross legged atop a mountain.

He’s quite magnificent to look at – and why shouldn’t he be? He’s Big Buddha – keeping a watchful eye over his nation.

Big Buddha is so big that you can see him from almost any where on the south part of Phuket Island.

View of Big Buddha on the way up to him.

Having been here almost 3 weeks and ‘sort of’ coming to terms with my scooter (and Chalong circle), I decided it was time to take the long and windy drive up the mountain to see what he could see.

After surviving Chalong traffic circle yet again (YAY ME!) my friend Chantal and I took a left turn off the main road into a side street filled with what I can only assume is local housing. It’s not run down or anything like that.

It’s just far from what the accommodation in Kata Beach looks like. It’s been a while since I’ve seen actual houses!

Further down, the road bends to the right and there is suddenly a flock of towering palm trees on the left hand side.

Even further down the road is a rubber tree plantation. There are rubber plantations all over Phuket – and probably the rest of Thailand too. They use them to make the soles of sandals and other rubber goods by draining the trees of their sap.

Or so my source says.

Regardless… I continue up the road which is now starting to get hilly and windy and just as I’ve gained momentum up the steep incline, I come around a sharp corner and see Chantal stopped on the side of the road smiling at me. Since I have only just plucked up the courage to drive my scooter at 40km/h, I thought she was waiting for me to catch up.

And then…

I saw…

The elephants!

Like a complete girl – I stop dead in my tracks! Eyes wide – on that steep incline – with five elephants about 10 metres away from me.

It was only after I realised that they were the tame elephants used for the elephant treks, and that there were several Thai guys shouting at me to keep moving that it dawned on me that I had another problem.

Getting the scooter to start moving forward – up the incline, and not backwards – down the decline, which I was sure would end up being the painful result.

Oh shit! What to do?

WHAT TO DO!

The Thai guys must have seen the bewilderment on my face because one of them – still waving his arms frantically at me, starts running towards me.

“It’s okay” I think to myself… “I’m just going to stand completely still until ‘the man’ gets here and he can help ‘the idiot woman driver”.

He tried telling me what to do with the scooter – but I was having none of it. “Here” I said “take the bike” and climbed of and made my way to a flat spot on foot.

Thanks God for that Thai guy!

It’s not uncommon to see the trekking elephants on the side of the roads in Phuket.

But I was going there expecting to see a giant Buddha.

I wasn’t prepared for elephants!

Be as that may… wildlife is always a nice bonus. So we spent some time playing and having touristy pics taken with the elephants – who are remarkably trained to do remarkable things. My only hope is that they are treated like the wonderful animals that they are and not some whiplashed slave being thrashed to oblige. I was not especially happy when I noticed the chains around their feet.

The trekking elephants are so tame that you can practically stick your hand in it's mouth.

At least it took the ordeal of the scooter incident out of my head, until it was time to get back on the bike and continue up an even steeper part of the road.

Not cool…. nope… not doing it.

Chantal convinces me to hop on the back of her scooter and drive up with her.

“Fine” I say.

And so she sets off – headed straight for the hedgerow on the other side of the road! She slams on breaks and almost sends me flying off the back of the bike into the bush and somehow manages to rip her toe open in the process.

By now my nerves are finished and there is NO WAY I’m getting back on that bike with her again.

Luckily…. there were some guys who were heading up the mountain with a pick up truck who consented to me jumping in the back and giving me a ride up.

We eventually get up to Very Big Buddha, who is just marvellous!

His official name (apart from being rather unpronounceable to a non Buddhist, and something that requires ctrl C to ensure spelling is correct) is “Phra Puttamingmongkol Akenakkiri Buddha”. He stands – or rather sits – at 45 metres high and is covered in imported Jade, and not marble as I thought. This Big Buddha (there are more throughout Asia) is still under construction and sits in a meditation posture known as “pang marnvichai”, on a podium shaped like a lotus flower, facing the rising sun in the east where Chalong Bay is situated. The view is awesome, with countless Thai islands dotting and lining the ocean as far as the eye can see.

It’s no wonder he sits there smiling down at his people day in and day out. I would too, if I woke to the sunrises he’s seen since he’s been sitting there.

The view from Big Buddha.

Notes:

Entrance to Big Buddha and the temple is free, and the prices of the items sold there reflect just how much the rest of the island rips tourists off. You can expect to pay 40 BAHT to enjoy a coconut and it’s chilled milk at the beach. Big B sells them for 15!!!

The dress code is to be respected, and anyone wearing short skirts, open tops or anything with offensive pictures or text on is asked to please cover up with one of the sarongs you can lend while you are inside the temple.

A close up into one of the shrines.

A couple have just come into the westernised coffee shop I’ve decided to perch in and do my people watching for the day.
First impression led me to believe that they are ‘a couple’. Then – the guy opens his very loud and instantly offensive mouth and asks the girl “So, how long have you been traveling?”.
My eyes shot up when I realised that this girl had just sat down with a complete stranger. “HAS SHE LOST HER MIND?” I ask myself.
The guy – completely inappropriately, proceeds to ask her personal questions:
“Where are you working?”
“How much are you making?”
She’s STILL sitting there – timidly answering his invasive and intrusive questions.

Maybe its just me, but I am of the opinion that there are certain things you do not bring up in conversation – religion, politics and the third being money. So far, he’s covered two of these conversational blunders. Right now he’s going on about Obama and how much trouble America is in. I would have been out the door faster than a ladyboy goes through lipstick!

Come to think of it – I would not have (oh – there’s the religion blunder) allowed him the chance to even suggest me going somewhere with him.

He’s just entered full on conversion mode and has given her some scripture to read.
HOW BORING!!!
Not that I’m against religion – each to their own…. BUT!!!!
I’m sure this seemingly shy and naive girl’s objective when making the decision to come to Phuket was NOT to get converted by some sociopath with verbal diarrhoea!

Furthermore – I feel like slapping her upside her head and saying “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?”
Has she not seen ‘Broke down Palace’ or ‘Paradise Lost’ or even the amusing “Bridget Jones” version of tourists being thrown in Thai prisons for smuggling Heroine? They’re true stories – not make believe OKAY?
Your head couldn’t have been stuck that far down a hole that you haven’t heard (the entire coffee shop is now being indirectly read scriptures from the Bible) the horror stories! And if you’re a girl traveling alone – you NEED to be particularly vigilant. If you’re in the right place at the wrong time  – or the wrong place at the right time, you could end up getting your drink spiked and wake up in a ditch violently defiled – or beginning a new ‘career’ in the sex trade industry, if not dead!

And the only reason I haven’t told this DOOCHbag to shut the hell up and get lost is because I don’t want to be the cause of this girl going off alone with him yet again. I’m hoping she realises that he’s a loser and suddenly remembers that she has (OH – really? Your Doctor told you to smoke marijuana?) an appointment to ‘chew glass’ somewhere!

HA! Now he’s going on about how we automatically trust people when they’re filled with perversion, and hidden agenda’s.

TOU che’ dude!

This girl is not getting a work in edgeways! It’s all an endless river of blah blah blah flowing from his mouth.

Now – being a girl originating from one of the most violent cities in the world – Johannesburg, South Africa – I (along with the rest of the female – and male SA population) have been culturally drilled into constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I’m not being followed. And it’s only when you travel that you see what “baggage” you have inherited from your country. South African’s (or at least I have noticed with myself) are acutely street wise.

Yes – it sucks that we can’t sit in our living room at home without feeling that we’re being watched; or hearing noises in our gardens during the night. And it super sucks that we have had to submit (DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS YOU SILLY, SILLY GIRL!) to the crime statistics in South Africa, rather than enjoy the positivity of the safety and freedom to let our children play outside without watching them like a hawk – and yes it is that bad. I myself have been hi-jacked with a gun to my head.

It doesn’t, however, suck that we are more alert and aware of our surroundings and what is going on around us than someone from a peaceful village in the mountains in Switzerland.

I’ve just received a nod of dismayful acknowledgement from another patron who is not enjoying the BS spewing from his mouth. (Could someone PLEASE get this guy some toilet paper?)

The girl has now unknowingly given him (and me) enough information for him to know that she’s traveling alone as well as where she’s staying, what day her flight is leaving, her family background (incase there are people who will notice she is missing!) and a few other details you should never tell anyone when you’re traveling alone. You wouldn’t tell a complete stranger what your home address or telephone number is – so WHY on earth would you give a stranger the same information while you’re traveling in a country infamous for it’s sex trade and drug trafficking?

I’m in my room in Kata Beach, Phuket – thinking back and trying to remembert how exactly it is that I ended up here.

A mere 4 months ago, I was living in Johannesburg and stuck in a very large rut. At 30 years old: I was depressingly single, still living with my parents, working for my dad, wasting time with the same bad boy stereotypes, shopping up thunder storms on credit and going nowhere REALLY quickly.

So what happened that I landed myself indefinitely on a tropical island thousands of miles from the start line?

A number of factors led to the aspiration and inspiration of me taking that first step out of my comfort zone. Or rather – a number of people, who had managed to free themselves and escape society’s shackles .

For the last year or so – I’ve had to endure nauseating photographs on Facebook of my buddy Hailey floating around the world in her little pink, hippy bubble. The photo-torture began with her snowboarding in the States for who knows how long and then a month long trip to ‘Incredible India’ – a place MY heart and soul yearn for. Seriously – it got to the point where if I had to see one more photograph of her sitting on a cliff at sunset, overlooking some ancient ruins or lying on some white sanded, turquoise watered beach in Thailand or packing one more effing surfboard into a van in Australia – I would have confirmed deletion of her friendship with indecorous conviction! What made HER so special that she could just flit from one country to another? And why was I sitting here, in Purgatory, chained to this desk??? These were the questions that aspired in me.

Then there’s my good friend Mawa – who I have been green with envy over since the moment I met her. Her chosen career path is that of an actuary. I still don’t know WHAT it is that actuary’s do, but what I do know is that they are really intelligent human beings.
She’s also a pro-boardrider.
I say boardrider, because she currently dominates the South African snowboarding, flowboarding and wakeskating scene. This year alone has seen her take 2nd place at the SA Cable Wakeskate Championship; her usual top spot at SA Snowboarding Champs and first prize at the major SA Flowboarding competiton in May – which happened to be an all expenses paid trip to Singapore for the World flowboarding Cup in October. And then she surfs for fun.
How much luckier and talented can one girl be?
She’s beautiful, super intelligent – goes harder than most boys on a board and has Billabong, DC and Dakine sending her BOXES of clothes throughout the year.

I’ll tell you how much luckier she is.

She managed to come to a compromise with the company she works for after she tried to quit her job to go snowboarding in the States. They offered her more money and still she said no – obviously – because sitting in an office all day sucks when you’re spending the remainder of your life on a board in any one of the four corners of the earth!

She stills works for them. From her laptop, where ever it is that she’s chosen to lay her weary boards to sleep for the night after they’ve worked so hard all day… Which – for 2009 has already included Morocco, Indonesia, Poland, South America and soon to be Maldives and Singapore.

WHY OH WHY?!?!

Others who have added to the travel torment I felt, include a pair of very naughty British brothers who are permanently wakeboarding their way into country’s, party’s and an insatiable wealth of girls pants!

They too broke their mould and society’s shackles and all I can think about is WHY wasn’t I having THAT much fun when I was 20???

Between these two girls and boys – I was forced to take inventory of who I was and what I had achieved and experienced.
Somewhere along the way I lost my Nicky’ness’ and I had begun reaching breaking point. These people (through being true to themselves) made me realise that I was not being true to myself and living MY life to MY full potential and that I can break my own mould if I want to, and hopefully inspire other people along the way to live their lives, and not merely exist. All I had to do was get up and go!

So I did it! I packed a bag and flew to Norway to meet up with my good friend Chantal, where we worked our asses off for 3 months and saved every Norwegian Krone we could, while plotting our quest to induce some travel torture of our own.

So here it is – Girls getting global!